Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
