I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
