I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize