I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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