I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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