just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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