YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
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