After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You dont lie about slip and slides
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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