1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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