My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
