so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
