Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
