why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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