The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
