she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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