so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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