I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
