Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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