I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
