A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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