From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
