i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
