No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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