standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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