I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
