how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
