I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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