Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
