the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Then you guys just all showered together...?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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