sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
