I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
