You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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