Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
