I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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