the condom got lost in my hair
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
