my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I need a burrito and a hug.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
