we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
