toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
