I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My ass is underappreciated
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
