im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
