dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
