There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
