listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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