the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
