I met the friendliest cop last night
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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