forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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