OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
