how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
