I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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