The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
