ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
